life in motion

Here’s something out of my sketchbook from the brief time spent travelling through the United States. I took a train from New York to Miami, then to Washington DC, Chicago, San Antonio, and into Los Angeles. The trip spanned three weeks and 21 states.

This was written in my hostel in Miami. Interestingly enough, I found that by the end of this page, a unique scene can turn a statement of mental incognizance into surprisingly insightful introspection.

Today thoughts fell through my mind, confused and disarrayed like the scattered pages of an unfinished manuscript at the foot of a sleeping author. A Parisian is dancing outside the window. His plaid hat and week-old beard highlight the smile of a man who knows exactly where he is at this moment in time.

I’m on the inside looking out, travelling between my second life and my third; with a whiskey hangover and a craving for something I can’t identify.

things i scribble on napkins

A woman sat crying alone on a large bench. A man, seeing her from a distance, made his way toward her and took a seat by her side.

He looked at the ground, tracing her tears to the small pool growing at her feet, and lent her his quiet presence until she raised her head and gently wiped her eyes dry.

Why are you crying? He asked.

Because I am alone. She said. I have loved and now my love has left me, and this bench that once held the future only holds me in memory.

He saw in her himself and wanted to relate. But mindful of his intrusion, he said only this:

See clearly now, with open eyes. Be mindful of yourself and be wise. For once I gave my heart to an idea of a person, and found the idea had taken my heart with it when it vanished.

does jealousy repel or bind?

These last two years I have developed a major Achilles Heal when it comes to dating. Before you ask, it isn’t skateboarding or Millencolin- those things are awesome and I’d take them over girls any day. After a drawn-out and ultimately embittered college relationship I made a conscious decision not to tolerate distrust or jealousy. And that meant within myself as well. As a result, I’ve found myself turning my back on women a lot, walking away from early signs of trouble before they get too close to my heart.

And then sometimes the opposite happens.

That lead me to think about things from a causal perspective. This conscious effort not to show jealousy is leaving me solo more often than not. I make bad jokes sometimes, and couldn’t dance to save my own life, but other than that I’m a pretty awesome dude (I think).

What do you guys think? Is jealousy a good thing? Does it ultimately hold a relationship together by making both parties feel more desired?

Let me preface by saying I’m in the Army now, so this isn’t my attempt to pander for a solution to the female enigma. I’m content to avoid it for awhile, at least until I finish my training.

ego and purpose

A friend of mine and I were talking about the ego, and I was telling her that it’s built into us, it’s in our DNA and the best way to solve the problems of humanity’s destructive nature is to funnel our conquering desires into innovative practices like space travel and colonization of other planets. Her view was more Buddhist I think. She believed we should find our zen-cores and remove our ourselves from our egos. She believes (and I’m sure she’ll call me upon reading this to set the record straight on how I butchered her point), that the ego is a destructive trait we developed through societal nurturing. That if we could all live for today and forget about the past, then mankind would halt its unsustainable and violent trajectory.

My understanding is the ego is an identity trait hardwired into our brains. It is our ‘self’ and desire to leave a mark on the world. In essence it is a psychological characteristic of who we are, not something fabricated, and certainly not something inherently bad at all. Our ego drives us to create, to aspire to greatness, to create a bigger and better life. In a world of limited resources that grows increasingly unsustainable  as our population and life expectancy out-pace nature’s ability to cope with it, it’s the people with strong and pronounced egos who drive the innovation that keeps us alive.

I told my friend that we should find inner peace, but understand the need to balance it with strength. You cannot move with all the motions of the universe. There are real challenges to face, and things that we do need to fight in order to survive.

You can accept most, and some people do work themselves into entirely too much conflict. But part of the necessary balancing act of life is knowing what to fight against and what to accept. In the actual world we live in today, if you completely disregard your ego and fight for nothing you set yourself up to be the victim of others and create a life of abject mediocrity.

We cannot accept everything as it is.

collardspot 2010: year in review (crunchy numbers sound delicious)

Thank you to all my readers for helping make 201o a great year. You read my stuff, and that’s awesome. Knowing you’re all out there inspires me to keep adding my random thoughts and ideas to this humble little website. See you all next year!

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The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,300 times in 2010. That’s about 3 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 25 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 27 posts. There were 34 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 24mb. That’s about 3 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was January 20th with 31 views. The most popular post that day was Resume.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, twitter.com, networkedblogs.com, en.forums.wordpress.com, and linkedin.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for wolf drawing, csun diploma, collardspot, cal state northridge diploma, and csun diploma picture.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Resume December 2009

2

References December 2009

3

lexington blues – 9 minutes under manhattan February 2010
3 comments

4

too legit to quit June 2010
3 comments

5

forgiveness June 2010
3 comments

the keeping

There are dreams whose nights have come to pass,
when I plead the darkness not to cast.
Upon this bed, the last embossed
impression of your smile lost.

Your beauty as my mind had left it,
a dream I caught and so I kept it.
I held it then and saw it then,
until to the sun I woke again.

And to those dreams I wish to fall,
to the beck of angels’ calls.
With wings they sent her to ascend her,
from on this world of a just pretender.

Sailing on, home’s shores have burned,
and I leave tonight to not return.
I shall not cry,
I shall not weep,
for in my dreams you always keep.

on the rocks

Days merged and poured into one another like a river stream cascading into the Pacific. Emptied by the doldrums of life she lowered her chin to her knees and sat cradling herself along the rocks that lined the ocean. As the sun melted beneath the horizon, she lost herself in the sanguine splashes of orange that fell upon the sea and imagined a world where routine and expectation were only brief interruptions to her daydreams.

Surfing Santa

Once upon a moon-lit ocean tide,
Surfing Santa set upon a Christmas ride.
St. Nick’s nine rad dolphins pulled in tow
As he hanged ten and yelled “ho ho ho!”

Along the coastline of the Aussie west
children laid their heads for sleepless rest.
Wallabies and wombats sought shelter to stay
and Kangaroos laid tired from boxing all day.

As night grew still and quiet throughout
Santa’s board stopped and he finished his stout.
Feeling merry now he peered at the land,
Lifted his bag, and threw straight to the sand!

Houses stood many and far apart,
as he pondered on the best one to start.
Just then an idea for something came,
to decide with Lozzy’s new boomerang.

Santa rummaged for it in his watertight sack,
Found it and threw it, but it kept coming back.
Frustrated and flustered he dialed UPS,
to deliver his gifts while he surfed off the stress.

digital noise

Honesty is the hardest thing to maintain sometimes. So much of our personal energy is spent building a facade to show people; something for us to hide behind when the going gets tough. Today we live in a ‘HAHA, LOL’ culture where human interaction is so heavily relegated to digital communication lines that we forget what the faces of our loved ones look like. Grandparents don’t call to see how their grandchildren are doing because they can find out with a Facebook update, friends text about hanging out but never actually do, would-be soul mates never meet because they’re too busy working on their online dating profile.

The point of it all is that even with the enhancements and intrusions of modern day technology, nothing can replace looking at someone while they talk, and being there in person for a friend when he or she really needs you. This world would be a simpler better place if we all stopped trying to craft who we ought to be and started being who we are.

an impossible climb

Last night I dreamt of something that really put me into an introspective mood, though I’m not sure what this dream really correlates to in my conscious life. I speculate it has something to do with a really good friend who is going through a tremendous hardship right now and I’m too far away to help her.

My dream was set in a large fictitious city, with several events happening simultaneously, contained within a larger dream. I was standing at the base of a street that was paved along a steep hill, with large columned buildings on both sides.

Long was this hill, and a daunting distance to run, but I had to do it at all cost because there was someone at the top that needed my help.

I took off running – as hard as I could – charging straight up, but the hill stretched and steepened as I made my way to the top. Higher and higher it rose until the once-difficult mission became an impossibility, and still I ran with all the fury and force I could muster.

Blinking to flush the salty sweat from my eyes, and gasping for air, I ran until suddenly my next step was my last. The road’s gradual incline folded straight up into a cliff-side and I pushed off it to my death. In a desperate attempt at survival, I threw up a tow-line into the buildings as I fell, hoping to catch something. Anything.

But I didn’t.

A second before contact, a homeless man grabbed hold of the rope. He fastened it to a pillar and began pulling me to safety. My heart was racing as I saw him look down and say, “I’ve got you brother.”