When something goes awry between two people, it can permanently end the strongest of relationships. Brothers, lovers, friends, sometimes entire communities, can dissolve in a heartbeat.
Emotions cloud our judgment, leading to vicious cycles that worsen with time. We hold on to wrongdoings from the past so tightly, instead of just learning how to forgive and welcome that person back into our lives.
Forgiveness is unquestionably one of the hardest things to bring out of ourselves. Why is this? I assume it’s an instinct of ours to try to self-preserve by pinning our failures or struggles on the actions of others. Sometimes it’s just easier to hate a person and brand them as fundamentally corrupted than to try to understand the crux of the situation.
In church today, our priest spoke of forgiveness. Something I struggle with. I’ve held grudges of my own that seem unshakable at times. Some still do, years later. Some for my entire life even.
To what end though? Do we play these things out until the person asking for forgiveness is dead? Will that make us happy? No, the truth is there is no logic behind it. It’s just an act of selfishness; a way for us to call attention to our wound without doing anything to stop the bleeding.
An apology should be met with an embrace, not a disconnected phone line.
To make right with others we also need to make right with ourselves. Accept responsibility, truly take the time to understand the people and situations that brought us to our present state, and be patient.
Often, we go about holding regrets for all the wrong things. We forget the present, and the lines blur between what is right and what is easy. Forgiveness can only be met if the other is willing to accept the errors they have left behind; not what they remember or feel. Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves before we can forgive the ones who left us in the dark. To forgive ourselves of hurting over memories not worth remembering.
Sometimes you can’t shake off all of the elements that flow so freely through the blood you were born with. If you try to live your life with passion and honesty, sometimes you can’t help the pain felt when those you trust the most slight you to the point where hate and distrust become a part of who you are now. Is it really wrong to keep resentment so close to your heart that it rubs right next to the love you have for those that never let you down, never asked for anything in return? Is it really wrong to wish to live long enough to have a chance to decide when the time comes if dancing on the actual grave of those involved is appropriate or if it will actually lend resolve for the years of inflicted mental pain? Let us each decide individually. Yes, it makes me appear sick to anyone who hears it out loud…but I keep it to myself…the way that I want to add urination to the death dance. When the time comes, who knows what will really happen. Maybe then will be the time to forgive. I can wait…but I see myself apeein (yes, ApeeIN)It’s french for….everything in france! Anyway, I’m keeping a list.
King Jay
Sounds like the easy way, King Jay. Our viciousness is an asset in a fight-to-live world. But truth be told, at the end of the day the only person who’s paying attention to your actions is you.
So who are you? Who do you want to be? You want to spend your life waiting to piss on a grave? That’s a helluva way to relinquish control of your identity to someone who hurt you.